Mojo's Mighty Midgets

PS 3 - Intrument of Death?

2005-05-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

Yes. It's true. Haven't you seen the contoller?

Look at it, waiting to strike...

That thing is an accidental death waiting to happen... and then the media will get their greasy mits on the juicy story and it'll mean the end of Sony. It's horrible. HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!

Look, this is what's gonna happen. Some poor chump will be sitting there, playing Killzone 2. It's gonna be hard as hell, and it turns out this poor chump sucks at video games anyways. Look at him, that looser.

He'll get pissed off, cause he always does, and he'll feel great violent urges. He'll squeeze the controller super tight, wishing it was a person's neck, but then he'll stop cause it's just a hunk of plastic and he's a moron. He'll still be pissed though. That's when it'll happen.

He'll punch himself in the leg.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but with this new controller in his hand... that dual dildo action is gonna tear right through his clothes, tear right through his flesh, ripping open his femoral artery.

For the uneducated, the femoral artery is the biggest artery in your body, besides the aorta. It transports ALL the blood to your legs. People have been known to squirt blood 10 feet out from femoral punctures. Getting it cut is like cutting the bottom off of a cup full of water. Only your body is the cup, and the water is your blood. Every drop will squirt out in less than 3 minutes.

It's horrible, but then the media will get all over it. Headlines across the country will read: "Video Games Lead to SUICIDE!".

The Next Generation

2005-05-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

Wellp, they've been shown to the public. Finally. Apparently we have two supercomputers and then a mini-atx for our next generation of gaming consoles.

Microsoft claims the Xbox 360 runs all the way up there at one teraflop. And then Sony says the PS3 runs at a ridiculous 2.18 teraflops. Nintendo hasn't released any info, but it's obvious they have no interest in pushing technology to it's limits, rather they want to make something that will be sane, new, and fun. I really hope they hit all three.

My hunch is that Nintendo will piss me off the least this coming generation. Sony and MS seem to have leaped into the friggin deep end. Is it really necessary to have such inane amounts of power in a machine that has a shelf life of 4 or 5 years? Fuck no! How much are these gargantuan beasts going to cost? How much are the motherfucking games going to cost? How long is it going to take to make these games? And how long will the games themselves be? MS and Sony seem to be heading into a future where you drop $800 on a system, then $70 to $80 bucks on each game which you will be able to play through in 10 hours or less. I don't care how fucktastical the graphics are, that's a fucking rip-off.

Nintendo though... they haven't released info about their controllers, which is the part that's supposed to be deserving the title of Revolution. Hopefully the controllers aren't so zany that it bumps the price of the system right up there with the PS3 and Xbox 360. In their E3 press conference, the specifically stated that they want their machine to be the affordable soultion for game developers... which I hope to god means that the games will also be affordable for consumers. One thing that Nintendo's doing has got me really happy though, the revolution will emulate all their consoles so far, and you will be able to download their entire back library... all the way back to the NES! That's just sweet. It's been a goddamn long time since I've played Zelda: A Link to the Past on a TV, with a controller. Mmmm.

Wellp, that's my rant. Of course, I will be a consumer whore and end up buying all three systems eventually, even if it turns out to be as bleak as I fear. Ah, hypocracy, my old friend.

Redneckin

2005-05-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

Burger

2005-04-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

Fine Dinin

2005-03-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

So I've been thinking about this. Food. It's damn good. And beef, that's where it's at. Now, we all know that there's little better than sinking your teeth into a juicy hunk of cow flesh, cooked as little or as much as you like it. Personally I like it bloody. But then we also all know about veal, and how supposedly it's super tender and yummy. I haven't had veal yet, but from what I hear veal > beef. So, let's follow the logic... Baby cow is yummier than adult cow... so what is yummier than baby cow?? Cow fetus!!! I so want to eat a cow fetus. I mean, it's not that much differnt than eating eggs, now is it? Those are just chicken fetuses, right?

I think the best way to do it would be to throw a huge pro-choice BBQ, and the main course would be char-broiled cow fetuses. Mmmmm.

Family Guy

2005-03-22T23:14:00.000-08:00

Peter: Oh my god, you know what this means? We'll have to go inside and find a high-roller who will pay me one million dollars to sleep with my wife!

Lois: No it doesn't! Peter, that's ridiculous!

Peter: C'mon Lois, we're talk about the people who sold Manhattan Island for twenty four dollars, they have no idea how much things are worth.

I love TV

2005-03-20T17:25:00.000-08:00

I have two things to tell all y'all. First off, I made up a drink. Take one part Bacardi 151, one part hpnotiq, one to two parts mt. dew, and some ice. It's called a Kidney Dew.

The other thing... apparently there's some kind of beetle that shoots out liquid at like 200 degrees fahrenheit. I want to train like hundreds of em to kill people when I say the word "Nipple!"

Wow

2005-03-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think I went a little overboard. I woke up at 2pm today.
D r u n k * a s * F u c k
But you know, I'm drinking for world peace.

Dreams

2005-03-18T05:57:00.000-08:00

I dunno if it's the increased level of alky I've been imbibing or what, but I've been having lots of really vivid, wierd dreams of late. And then now I'm here at fucking 7 AM making an entry because I just had the first real nightmare I've ever had since I was a little kid. I mean, I've had plenty of unpleasant dreams, dreams that made me depressed, sad, morose, whatever... but this dream fucking scared me. Last time a dream was scarey was 1988, when Roger Rabbit came out. That fucking villian with the red eyes and squeaky voice gave me a goddamn nightmare.

Fuck you, Christopher Llyod

Anyhow, last night's dream was quite normal for most of it, then like the last 5 minutes or so were horrid. I was in my old house I grew up in, on the phone with my friend. We were planning a time to go take some certification test together, which is odd come to think of it, cause she's not that into computers. In any case we talked for a long ass time and when we were done it was late, so I went into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water before I went to bed. While I was in the kitchen I heard my little bro and my sister talking, so I went to go see what they were up to. My sister was online and my bro was looking really freaked out. My sister told me that my bro was making her look up ghosts online, cause he thought there was one in his room. He had moved the small tv in there and was watching a movie in bed, but when he started the movie the bed started shaking. I thought that maybe the TV was shaking his bed somehow so I went in his room to check it out. I lied down in bed next to him and started up the movie. It was a goddamn Disney movie. Anyhow the movie started out and everything was fine, no ghost, no shaking. Then all of a sudden I felt pinned down, and a feeling of total fear. I couldn't move at all, I tried to turn my head but I couldn't, I tried to sit up but I couldn't, I tried to lift my arm but I couldn't. All this of course just made me even fucking more scared. I tried to call out to my sister, but my throat felt stuck. I tried and tried and tried until I finally fucking woke up. My roommate told me that I had screamed out just before I woke up. She couldn't tell what I screamed, but I'm guessing it was my sister's name.
Yup, that was my nightmare. I was totally fucking freaked out when I woke up. I was ready to believe in ghosts. But then, like the dork I am, I was lying there thinking about the dream, analyzing it. I remember about two weeks ago or so I saw a show on UFO's, and in one segment they interviewed some people who believe they were abducted by aliens. All of them got abducted while in bed, and they all said that they were lying there, and suddenly could not move, and then the aliens would come in and do their thing. Anyhow, the show interviewed a psychologist who believes that their experience was a byproduct of sleep paralyzation, which actually happens all the time when you enter REM sleep. Otherwise you'd end up acting out all your dreams. Of course, sometimes it isn't total paralyzation, and you thrash around or roll over or whatever, and then other times it totally fucks up and you end up sleepwalking. But it is possible to be in a light sleep and experience sleep paralyzation, which fucking sucks cause then you're aware that you can't move. I'm about 95% certain that's what happened to me last night. I'm just fucking glad my dream was taking place in my old house, instead of my apartment now, otherwise I'd be thinking my goddamn bed is haunted.

The last book I read

2005-03-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

Grab a Coors Light and unleash the Rocky Mountain cold taste of America's best light beer. Nothing's more refreshing than the cold that can only be found in the Silver Bullet. That's because every great-tasting batch is born and brewed a mile high in the Rockies and prepared and packaged in Golden, Colorado or Shelby County, Tennessee or Virginia's Shenanandoah Valley, where it's shipped cold directly to you.

I have a secret

2005-03-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

Haha. Yeah I was listening to T.A.T.U. That's not the secret though. The secret is... they're lesbians!!! I guess it's not that great of a secret. But there's a lesson to be learned here... we're all lesbians on the inside. Just trust me on this. Look at a pic of two hot chicks making out.

Now just try and tell me you weren't turned on.

Fucking Liar

Leaving on a slow ass bus

2005-02-24T00:52:00.000-08:00

Wellp, I'm gonna be headed off to parts of the US better left alone, cause I'm smart like that. I'll probably be offline for like close to a goddamn week. Scary. I don't know if I'll survive, but hopefully I can swing it. I'll leave you with this.

Archmage

2005-02-22T16:26:00.000-08:00

Ok, ok, I'm not really dead. Just been sucked into the black hole formerly known as Archmage. Yup. On Thursday I head to New Mexico, won't have internet access till I move on to AZ. I will suffer withdrawals.

The Last Post?

2005-02-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

If no one ever hears from me again, it's cause I'm eating an enchilada that's been in the freezer since December. I once sold my soul to the devil, so I guess I'll be seeing all y'all in hell.

The Hot or Not Experiment

2005-02-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah so in my misguided youth I made a hot or not profile. I forgot about it till Grifter sent me an IM about it the other day, and then I remembered that I had made two, to see how people would rate the photos differently. It wasn't really fair though, in one I smushed together a bunch of photos and it ends up looking pretty small and crappy, and the other is all by itself. Anyhow upon remembrance of these I figured I'd throw up one more, and see how the ratings turn out. Haha I'm a dork.

Fucking Dreams Fucking Holiday

2005-02-14T04:31:00.000-08:00

What the fuck? My buddy grifter had a shitty dream the other day, and I actually just woke up from one myself. Valentine's is shitty enough as is, I don't need some crap ass fucking dreams to remind me of why I hate it. Know what today marks for me? Fucking one year exactly since everything that was my life got fucking ruined completely. I hate this day. Fucking hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate this day so goddamn bad I hate the entire fucking world. That's right, I hate you asshole, and your mother, and your mother's mother. I swear to god if I have any say in matters the world will motherfucking end on a February 14th.

Another Year

2005-02-13T03:51:00.000-08:00

I'm 22. Go me!

Leavin on a jet plane

2005-02-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

Well, this past Monday I hopped on a plane and put some 2,600 miles between me and south east Asia, the region of the world where for ten dollars you can get a woman (or young girl if you're like that... you know you are) to do things most people aren't even capable of dreaming in their most haunting, perverse nightmares. Don't bother asking for details, cause silly me squandered the opportunity to participate first-hand in the bustling sex trade industry. Besides, wouldn't want to be indicted in a court of law* on the basis of something I wrote in a motherfucking blog, would I?

My voyage home had three legs, much like a fictional tripodal beast**. Each leg of the journey saw me on a consecutively worse aircraft. First was from Singapore to Japan in a brand-spanking new Airbus A330. The seats were wide, the stewardesses were young, there were little TVs at every seat with your choice of music, movies, and even games. The food was even palatable, imagine! The only complaint: someone needs to do something about those goddamn seat cushions. My ass hurt.

On this flight I settled in with a few games of bejeweled (eh, why not... the other options were mahjong and a horrible pacman rip-off) and watched King Arthur. Not a wholly bad flick but I wouldn't reccomend buying it, unless it's a 5 dollar pirated version. After that I browsed through the music offerings and made a playlist of tunes I thought I could bear. As we're nearing Tokyo I'm listening to Aerosmith's Dream On, fucking great rock anthem. Of course, the way these things go, right before the song reaches it's climax marked by the banshee wailings of Tyler the plane's PA system kicks on and I'm informed that the inflight entertainment is now over, in preperation for landing. What the fuck is that? Landing is the moment in flying where you want to have something to concentrate on other than the fact that you're a few thousand feet in the air in a giant metal can headed towards the ground at upwards of 300 mph. In any case, I was left with some 15 or so hours of flying and airport time, having no closure with the song. It's a sad way to spend the hours, wishing to hear Aerosmith.

So then I had two flights left, one from Tokyo to Minnesota (I know... what the fuck?) and then from Minnesota to Denver. On the cross-pacific flight I got into an aging 747, less leg room, worse food, no personal TVs, and old & crotchety stewardesses who think that passengers are the bane of their existance. I'd like to point out, now that I'm physically completely out of contact with these people, that passengers are the reason of your existance damnit. Customer's always fucking right! This flight was spent mostly sleeping, which is a cool feat considering how goddamn long it is, with some gameboy playing thrown in and a lot of anger at how a motherfucking taxi driver can outwit and kill a professional assassin in Hollywood. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the Aerosmith yearing.

Last filght I climbed into a plane of unknown make and origin. It was about 90% duct-tape anyways. This flight I just passed the fuck out for the whole thing, except for the part where there were blood-curdling screams and I realized after a few minutes that my seat was within 5 feet of three kids under the age of 2, who were all taking the opportunity to chant their bizzare baby rituals of pain and anguish upon the human race. Fucking babies. They look like aliens anyhow.

I'm done.

* - Yes, you can be charged for sex crimes even if you commit them outside of the US. Read here if you find you need more info on that.
** - For a detailed account on why three legged animals are not possible according to the laws of physics, go here. The man makes many de facto statements that are weak, but it's peppered with lots of big words and some physics formulas, so it looks intelligent and irreputable.

Coffee

2005-01-30T22:09:00.000-08:00

I think instant coffee makes my pee smell funny. Sorta like asparagus does, but way more potent. I've been drinking a cup or two every work morning, and when I piss in the morning it smells funny. Then after lunch I usually guzzle down two to three cokes, and when I piss that out there's no smell anymore.

The other thing about coke is that apparently in South America, wherever they have their bottling factories, the coke managers hire mercenaries and hitmen to kill unionists. No kidding. So I think about that every time I drink coke, that in a way, I'm drinking the blood of some poor dude who just wanted to get paid more than fifteen cents a day. Lol, that's what you fucking get for not being born in the US of A.

48 Years of Work

2005-01-27T01:06:00.000-08:00

What purpose has this man's life served? No really. I can't figure out why he hasn't slipped into a suicidal depression over how he's spent his life.

The Face of Satan

2005-01-26T10:50:00.000-08:00

This is Lawrence F Probst, III. Better known as the most powerful man in the gaming industry, he's the CEO of Electronic Arts. This sonnuvabitch just recently made some statements about the immediate future of the game industry, cause EA's Q3 results were just released, and that's the time these execs strut around blowing hot air up eachother's asses.
Anyhow, he made some predictions, notably that he foresees game prices for next-gen systems going UP. Motherfucking UP. Nevermind that games are already costing $50 each. Nevermind that EA forces it's employees to work massive overtime with absolutely no compensation or overtime pay whatsoever. Nevermind that Mr. Probst is being paid $1.5 million for FY 2004 (EA's financial year begins in March). Nevermind that for this FY he's already exercised stock options to the tune of $22.8 million. Nevermind that the current financial state of this multi-billion dollar industry is unsustainable as is, much less if prices get jacked up again.
Ok, ok, so there's lots of factors that figure into the dynamics of the industry, and when it comes to the workings of finances and economies whole fucking armies of degree-laden drones can't figure that shit out... so it's not really fair to villify Larry.
But it's so much... sexier to focus all your negative thoughts on one person rather than allocate it according as is logically applicable. So who gives a damn about Osama, Kim Chong-Il, those 5 Chinese running around with a dirty bomb for Boston, or that drunk who ran over your dog and ruined your mom's flowerbed. Blame Larry. That fucker.

Discovery

2005-01-25T19:54:00.000-08:00

So apparently Leopards have sex as often as every 15 minutes during their 'honeymoon' or whatever, the mating time. The way the mating works out though is that the female seduces some male to leave his territory and come to hers, then when she's done about a month and a half later she kicks him out. The poor guy is suddenly without poon and probably has to fight some lions and hyenas and shit to get his old hood back. If any species truly deserves the word 'bitch' as an insult, it'd be leopards, on a couple levels.

Listen

Foam Party

2005-01-25T03:06:00.000-08:00

Uhm, what have I been up to? I actually have had a lot to do at work, which blows. Everyday there's like more n more n more shit to do it never fuckin lets up! WTF man, wtf. I've even started fucking working at home, just to get shit done! Whatever, I have less than a week left there. Then it's a litle down time, a long ass flight, visiting the fam, after which it's moving back to the fucking desert. I dunno what fucking crackhead made his way so far out into the fucking lifeless barren that is most of the southwest and founded Phoenix... and then more bright guys followed and thought, "Hey, let's build golf courses out here in the middle of the goddamn desert!"

I'm ranting. It'd be damn cool if I started frothing at the mouth everytime I started ranting.

Monkey

2005-01-24T02:02:00.000-08:00

I am da bomb diggity

2005-01-23T20:02:00.000-08:00

So, this is something to put out my thoughts. Like how earlier I was just thinking I should live my life like Ash from Evil Dead fame. All I need is a fucking demon to posses my hand. And how the hell do you spell that shit? Posess? posses? posse? Andre the giant has a posse. I want a posse.